i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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