so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
