Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
