Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Cover your peen. We're going out.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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