So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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