hell yes lets make some ravioli
there's paper in my vomit.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
