now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
