I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
