god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
