Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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