it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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