cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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