What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
