I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
