i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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