be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
