I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
