Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
