I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
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He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize