Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
