Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
