cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
