my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
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Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
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Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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