Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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