i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
