It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
