Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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