So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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