she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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