my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
