It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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