I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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