My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
