Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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