Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
