I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
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At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
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remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize