I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
