I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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