she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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