final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
