We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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