Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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