My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
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maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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