When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
