First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
