So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
