so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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