You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Someone came in the potted fern
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
