someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
