I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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