Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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