sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
