Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
