Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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