The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
